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This Year I Will . . .: How to Finally Change a Habit, Keep a Resolution, or Make a Dream Come True Excerpt from This Year I Will . . .: How to Finally Change a Habit, Keep a Resolution, or Make a Dream Come True

by M.J. Ryan



Imagine Your Future Positive Self

People get so in the habit of worry that if you save them from drowning
and put them on a bank to dry in the sun with hot chocolate and muffins
they wonder whether they are catching cold. 
--John Jay Chapman 

I take my wisdom wherever I can find it. Recently I heard about a young man who dreamed about becoming a bull rider. The goal in the ring is to stay on the bull for eight seconds. The first six months, this guy worried constantly: "What if I get thrown right away? What if I get trampled?" And sure enough, he kept getting thrown before the eight seconds. Then one day, he decided to try something different. Instead of worrying about all that could go wrong, he'd worry about what could go right: "What will I do with the wad of money I'll make? What about all the fans who'll want my autograph?" He's now the United States bull-riding champion. 

As the bull rider discovered, when we imagine all the things that could go wrong, we create a lot of internal interference, static in our minds, that increases the likelihood of failure. Our emotional brains want to move away from the possibility of pain, so intentionally or otherwise, we goof up or give up. When, on the other hand, we focus on all the positive outcomes, our emotional brain is attracted by the possibility of greater pleasure and so it aids in our going toward what we want. 

Another reason this works is because, according to neuroscientists, we humans don't think in facts, but in frames. Frames are mind-sets that structure how we think. "We may be presented with facts," says George Lakoff, professor of cognitive science and linguistics at U.C. Berkeley, "but for us to make sense of them, they have to fit into what is already in the synapses of the brain. Otherwise facts go in and then they go right back out. They are not heard, or they are not accepted as facts."I think of frames as stories we tell ourselves about life that get confirmed over and over because we filter out any conflicting information. 

How this relates to change is that each of us has a frame, a story about ourselves and life, that influences everything we think and do. Unless we change the frame, it will be hard to get different results in our lives. I know a woman whose mind-set is that men are not to be counted on. And guess what -- her story keeps coming true. Is it because there are no reliable men? Of course not. But she interprets all behavior as proof that she's right, filtering out any time a man has been trustworthy. 

Here's another example of how frames get in our way. I was working with Chris, who was probably forty pounds overweight. ''I'm the heaviest I've ever been," he complained. "I've always been labeled the 'fat one' in my family. When I look at pictures of myself in my teens and twenties, I was probably a normal weight. But I come from a family of obsessively thin people. So my idea of myself is as huge. I never noticed this weight as it went on because the way I look now is actually the idea of myself I've always had." Chris literally ate his way into his frame of himself. Until he changed his story of himself, his weight would not go down. 

One way to create a new frame is to do what the bull rider did -- create a new, positive story about a future self. Then making the necessary changes becomes possible because you've got a new story to live into. 

When Chris did this practice, his future self was a normal weight, neither as thin as the rest of his family nor as obese as today. Interestingly, the future self had a new name -- Christopher. Christopher enjoyed walks with his wife and lower blood pressure and cholesterol. He'd taken up bike riding, something that Chris had loved but hadn't done since he was a teen. Energized by the image of Christopher, Chris got into action. Now, two years later, he's even considering entering a marathon! 

Here's a "future self" letter from a woman whose resolution was to buy a house and move with a minimum of personal drama. She wrote this a day before her move. You'll see for yourself what wisdom the future self has to offer. 

Dear Dina of Today, 

Well, you managed to move to a new town without completely spiraling into your familiar "vortex of doom." I know it wasn't easy for you to stay optimistic and levelheaded in the midst of all the chaos and upheaval, but you did it. You learned to take your time making decisions, and as a result, you make far fewer bad purchases than you used to. You and your family are settled into a new routine and you don't feel compelled to fix every little detail! 

You've learned a few other things about making this move easier for you: 

1. You've kept a personal, private space just for yourself with the things you immediately need at hand. 

2. You don't immediately yell at Sam when things go wrong. It usually isn't his fault. You don't yell at other people, either. Workmen, repair people, and salespeople are much more likely to help you if you aren't shrieking at them. 

3. You accept help from those who genuinely wish to help without an agenda -- and politely decline help from those who offer it with an ulterior motive. 

4. You remember that nothing is permanent. "This too shall pass" is a great mantra. 

Your Future's Calling . . . 

To create a new positive frame, write yourself a letter from your future. Imagine it's a year from now and that future self has accomplished what you want. The you of the future has lost the weight, become happier, found a new partner, learned to take life more easily . . .

The future you is writing to the you of today about what it's like and how well you're doing. What does it feel like? What surprises have come your way as a result of the change? The future you is a year older and wiser. He or she has learned a lot about how to get from here to there. What message does he or she have to help the you of today get to that marvelous place?

Copyright © 2006 by M. J. Ryan