FSB Author Article
Excerpt
The following is an excerpt from the book The
Republican Playbook
by Andy Borowitz
Published by Hyperion; October
2006;$16.95US/$21.95CAN;
1-4013-0290-4
Copyright © 2006 Andy Borowitz
Republican-to-English Glossary
As Republicans, we speak a language all our own. While this language resembles English in some superficial ways -- alphabet, spelling, grammar -- a closer examination of the Republican language reveals that when we Republicans say something, we rarely mean what English-speaking people think we mean. This is very useful to us, because it means that by using our own special language instead of English, we can mislead people without even breaking a sweat. Mastery of this language is invaluable, and it can be used in almost any setting: the stump speech, the televised debate, and most importantly, the presidential press conference. The more fluent you become in the Republican language, the harder it will be for anyone else to know what you are really saying -- unless they, too, are fluent in Republican like you. Thus, the Republican language becomes like a dog whistle that only other Republicans can hear.
Having said that, speaking Republican is not easy. It takes years of study and practice, and even then, it is still possible for a Republican politician, at the end of a long day on the campaign trail, to "slip" and say what he really means in easy-to-understand English instead of impossible-to-penetrate Republican. To keep these regrettable mishaps from occurring, we have included the following facts-at-your-fingertips Republican-to-English Glossary. Give yourself a quick refresher course, and soon you'll be talking Republican like a pro!
| Republican | English |
| Tax relief | Tax cut |
| Pro-life | Antiabortion |
| No Child Left Behind | Every Child Tested Up the Wazoo |
| Support our troops | Agree with our president |
| Axis of Evil | Axis of Oil |
| Personal responsibility | Welfare cuts |
| Family values | Heterosexuality |
| New York liberal | Jew |
| Feminist | Lesbo |
| A thousand points of light | A cardboard box over a subway grate |
| Kinder, gentler | Just as bad ass as before |
| My fellow Americans | My fellow evangelical Christians |
| I'm resigning to spend more time with my family. | I've been canned because an entire city was flooded while I sat on my ass. |
Excerpted from The Republican Playbook by Andy Borowitz. Published by Hyperion. Copyright © 2006 Andy Borowitz All rights reserved. Available wherever books are sold.