FSB Author Article
Parents
and Failure
By Bruce J. Gevirtzman,
Author of An Intimate Understanding
of America's Teenagers: Shaking Hands With Aliens
As
September approaches, almost every schoolteacher in America fills with
excitement and trepidation. It is, after all, a new year. Like baseball
in
spring, anything seems possible for a teacher in the fall when it comes
to a
renewal of spirit: new students, new gimmicks, new courses -- and hope
does spring
eternal. Most good teachers take a mental inventory of what needs to be
done to
become more successful in their classrooms; unfortunately, however,
that
usually means having to dwell temporarily on the downside of education.
One
major obstacle in a teacher's quest for instilling academic superiority
in her
students is parents; after all, every educator knows that the school is
a
partnership among students, teachers, and parents. This is an
unspoken -- and sometimes
formal -- contract. But when parents fail to do their part, the
institution breaks
down. Students learn less,
teachers percolate with
frustration, and precious monetary resources jut into ineffectual
directions.
Clearly,
most parents meet almost insurmountable challenges and provide laudable
support
for their kids in their schooling; but too many parents have broken the
contracts with their kids and the teachers, thereby aiding and abetting
a free
fall of the education system in the United States:
1. When Parents Have Been Sitting
On Their Tushes
Any
subsequent ramifications of an individual's slothfulness depend on the
place of
responsibility that person hoists in the first place. Sadly, many
American
parents -- men and women in supreme positions of awesome responsibility
-- are
simply lazy. Not to diminish the
sacrifice, hard work, compromise, and exhausting dedication of millions
of
Americans in their pursuit of parenting, but some mothers and fathers
don't
exert themselves too strenuously while tending to the needs of their
own
children.
2. When Parents Have Children As
Children Themselves
Not
that younger parents are always the worst parents; this would be an
unfair
generalization. However, when teenagers bring babies into the world,
conditions
are not ripe for success. Babies breeding babies reminds us of the
amazing
speed at which the female body develops and becomes capable of growing
life
inside; it also reminds us of the blooming immaturity that ensues in
adolescence, even if the child has engaged in sexual intercourse and is
equipped with fertile eggs. In short, babies having babies sounds
ridiculous--and it is.
3. When Parents Put Themselves
Before The Needs Of Their Children
An
oft-uttered and insanely ludicrous comment of self-reflection, one that
has
turned out to be nothing short of a narcissistic rationalization for
depression
and misery, is the following: "Hey, if I'm happy, my kids will be
happy! How
can my kids be happy, if I'm not happy?"
Parenting
requires compromise, sacrifice, and selflessness; furthermore,
it<> mandates the recognition that these
qualities are essential. Self-denial,
self-absorption, and selfishness have
no place in a home where the children's education has become a top
priority.
Mom and Dad don't always get what they want, and sometimes the pain of
this
realization becomes unbearable. Some kids live in homes inhabited by
adults
whose names they do not know. Mothers stream in and out new boyfriends
and
studs faster than their kids learn new letters of the alphabet. When
Dad gets a
weekend custody visit, he farms off the kids to babysitters or daycare,
so he
may spend alone time with his new honey (of the week). Sometimes men
and women
sternly demand that their own kids take a liking to their new love
interest and
even their new love interest's siblings! Children whose lives have been
torn
asunder by death or divorce must now share any remaining love and
affection
from the remaining parent with a strange adult -- whom the children may
not even
like.
4. When Parents Forsake Good
Role-Modeling
Kids
watch their parents. If mom and dad have absolutely no self-control,
respect
for authority, reverence for honesty, or desire for goodness, neither
will
their children. If mom and dad devalue, ignore, chastise, and
deemphasize their
children's schooling, so will their children.
Guaranteed.
5. When Parents Give Up On Their
Children
More
than once a parent has trusted their child's teacher with these
emotionally
charged words: "I have tried so hard with Johnny! I just don't know
what to do
with him anymore!" Translated: I've done my best; now, I give up!
In
the education arena parents become downtrodden and frustrated all the
time -- perhaps here more than anywhere else in their children's lives.
How many
parents finally surrendered, after looking at that last report card?
How many
parents finally called it quits, after that last nagging phone call
from the
teacher or the school's vice-principal? How many parents threw in the
towel,
after that last warning from the city police department about their
kid's
ditching school? It has become so much less taxing and stressful, so
much
easier for parents to officially "give up" on school than to
continuously bash
their heads against a brick wall on the little red schoolhouse.
6. When Parents Don't Spend Enough
Time
Columnist
John Leo wrote in U.S. News and World
Report, on September 3, 1997, about the critical nature of
parenting when
it came to a child's learning. Leo argues that it is not so-called
"quality
time" that matters most with parents and their children; it is quantity
time with his parents that
could determine a child's adult life. In many American homes today we
find
children as lodgers, filling space, going almost privately about their
daily
business, sometimes -- but sometimes not -- under the watchful eyes of
a
nanny,
babysitter, or daycare worker. In these homes kids are not special,
growing
human beings, small souls who must be loved, nurtured, attended to, and
raised
appropriately; after all, it requires time
for all that singing, storytelling, cuddling, cooing, ball playing,
disciplining, and molding. What, with parents both busily off to work
or
happily tending to their own social lives or stressfully managing the
conflicts
and tribulations of a mixed-and-matched extended family, just how do
they find
time to do things with their own kids? The truth, of course, is that
these days
numerous American children have only one parent due to death, divorce,
or a
mother never bothering to get married in the first place. The truth, of
course,
is when it comes to time -- actual quantity
time -- our children wind up with
the proverbial short end of the stick.
7. When Parents Don't Enforce Rules
Kids
want rules and boundaries, and they
find themselves a lot more comfortable with parents and teachers who
paint
clear borders and enforce them. Children whose parents compel them to
finish
their homework and then set a reasonable, consistent bedtime do better
in
school than kids whose parents deflect these decisions to the kids
themselves.
Parents who set curfews and punish for violations of those curfews
actually do
their children a huge favor. Clarity of law, explanation of
(occasional)
conformity, and enforcement of discipline go a long way toward
maintaining a
home that will help to foster education excellence in the children.
8. When Parents Don't Provide
Stability and Security
Parental
factors that precipitate childhood insecurity -- and the ability of
children to
perform to their potential in school -- abound. They are . . .
- parents who have affairs; adultery, infidelity; dating after divorce or the death of one parent
- alcohol or drug abuse
- domestic violence
- financial woes (to which the children have become privy)
- ill health of one or both parents
- extended visitors (family or acquaintances)
- domestic conflict (constant arguing, use of profanity, verbal threats of divorce)
- frequent changing of residences
- absentee parents
- criminal behavior or imprisonment of one of both parents
9. When Parents Aren't Feeding Their Kids
Parents have the responsibility of making sure their kids are properly nourished. Sometimes students complain they didn't have time to eat or grab a glass of juice in the morning. But that doesn't let their parents off the hook. When kids don't eat right, they don't do well in school. Every bit of evidence gathered in recent years--as though we really needed any--proclaims the importance of adequate food in a child's diet and its relationship to student excellence in almost every facet of the education process.
10. When Parents Refuse to Stress The Value Of Getting An Education
Cultural and racial discrepancies in standardized testing and SAT scores have so much less to do with institutionalized racism and so much more to do with blatantly inept parenting; the culture or race is totally irrelevant. My own father, a short, dumpy-looking, white guy from Europe, had been kicked out of school for helping to throw the principal down a flight of stairs; he never finished the 8th grade. But he always refused to allow this failure to block his reverence for the schools and his constant encouragement of my sister and me to do our best in school. Just before I entered high school (the 9th grade), he sat me down, his hairless head shining in the lamplight, and he sternly said, "Listen, Bruce; I want you to remember one thing -- something I forgot to do when I was in school. Here it is: When your teacher tells you to do something -- and he's wrong -- just remember that the teacher is right."
My father did not have to convince me of the veracity of his wisdom; he showed it to me almost every day in the glow of his own parenting. Parents who bring education to the forefront in their children's lives also bring with this emphasis a reverence for dignity, discipline, humility, and integrity. Clearly, these are values that should never be compromised. And when parents reinforce the worth of these ideals by role-modeling them at home and by demonstrating behaviors that support and respect their kids' institutions of learning, their children -- and our nation -- become a whole lot better.
As we get ready for another school year, most parents will remain an asset -- not a liability -- to their children's education, but often the students who do the best in school are not, coincidentally, also the winners of the parent lottery.
©2008 Bruce
J. Gevirtzman
Author Bio
Bruce J. Gevirtzman is a high school English teacher who has
also, for 34 years, served simultaneously as a sports and debate
coach. Also chief playwright for Phantom Projects, an acclaimed youth
theater group that has performed across several western states,
Gevirtzman has authored and directed more than 30 stage productions. He
has been featured on NBC and PBS, and in the Los Angeles Times.
Gevirtzman runs educator workshops focused on teen issues. His book, An
Intimate Understanding
of America's Teenagers, is available August 2008 from Praeger
Publishers.
Please visit http://www.praeger.com/catalog/B34508.aspx
for more information.