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Will Marry for Food, Sex, and Laundry Excerpt from Will Marry for Food, Sex, and Laundry

by Simon Oaks



Be Yourself


Statistics say men lie five times more often than women. (Now ask yourself, is that true, or did I just make it up?) And despite human progress and enlightened times, we're still slaves to our genes. Males are hardwired to impress women. Watch the elaborate dances some birds go through to win over a female -- puffing up their chests and using their feathers to exaggerate how big they are. Human males are no different. They're going to tell you they're richer, stronger, taller, and more important than the next guy to win your affections.

That said, our equal opportunity world has skewed the course somewhat. The days of women sitting back, waiting to be picked up aren't as common. Women can now go on the offensive. They can go on the prowl to pick up a guy if they desire. And with these turned tables, it's become more important for women to impress men.

This new need for women to become proactive when picking up guys increases the chance that you might exaggerate, or fudge certain details to land your man. Don't try to be like us, ladies. Stay true to who you are and don't let the game turn you into an ugly player.

Here are some key factors to remember:

Don't misrepresent yourself to catch him. Don't say things that aren't true. If you tell him that you're up for threesomes with another girl and you don't mean it, he's going to be mightily disappointed. Trust me, he is.

Don't pretend to be someone else. I don't understand this one and I've seen it a lot. A girl will pretend to be a harddrinking, party girl. She'll play fast and loose and will portray herself just like Samantha from Sex and the City. A guy is going to latch on to this kind of personality and expect it all the time, trust me. While there's nothing wrong if that's really your personality -- if it's not, you're just lying to him. No one likes to discover his sex kitten is in fact a quiet cat that likes to sleep eighteen hours a day.

Don't lead him on. As soon as he gets a whiff that you're into him, the gears in his head are going to start turning and his imagination is going to kick in. It might seem like you're being kind by playing into his advances, but in fact you're being cruel. If you're not interested, it's better to shoot him down than play up to him.

Don't say anything that is wildly untrue. Telling him that the character of Sydney Bristow from Alias is based on you and your counterespionage exploits is not only ridiculous, it's embarrassing. Even a minor exaggeration will get you into trouble. Saying you never diet because you're naturally thin will cause an issue when he finds your diet pills in the medicine cabinet. He won't really care that you diet to look good; he will care that you lied to him. Remember, a first encounter is the time he'll be listening most. He will remember later that you told him you were a beach volleyball champion with a vast collection of micro bikinis. Again, trust me.

So remember, be yourself. I know this sounds dumb, but it's not. If you're a quiet girl, then be a quiet girl. If you're a sassy lass, then be a sassy lass. Different men will be attracted to different kinds of women. There are men out there who prefer a quiet girl as much as there are guys who dig dangerous ladies. By not being yourself, you're not only attracting guys you won't like, but you're turning off the guys who would like you for being you.

Keep It Real

Feel free to fantasize about celebrity crushes, or other guys that are probably out of your league. By all means, let your heart roam free, but keep your feet on the ground. You have to stay realistic when it comes to men, as I hate to break it to you, but guys have tastes and you may have to accept you don't match them.

Let's say you're into the sales exec on the fifth floor. He's smart, funny, darts around town in a nice ride, and is hot as hell -- and you think you'd make a great addition to his life. There's just one small problem: He has a thing for twentysomething bubble-headed blondes who spend their time tanning, lip-synching to Britney Spears, and undergoing cosmetic surgery. And you're brunette.

Obviously, he's wasting his time with these other girls and he'd be a lot better off with someone like you. But before you go and pick up a bottle of peroxide, some spray-on tanner, and Britney's Greatest Hits, you need to realize something: You're so caught up in getting his attention, you seem desperate -- or even possibly psychotic. If you have to try to be his type, you're going to lose out. There's a fine line between going the extra mile and going too far, and when a guy sees you go too far, you've lost him and there's no going back. Desperate doesn't impress men.

Find the Guy Who Works for You

You just have to accept that there are guys who will turn you down, the same way you turn down guys. It's nothing personal. (Well, it sort of is, but don't let it faze you.) What you need to remember is that what you're looking for in a potential partner is someone who will complement you, the real you.

The Myth of the "Perfect" Man 

Does this sound familiar?

  • He must have a sound financial basis with a credit rating of 800 or higher.
  • His job must come with a salary at least 20 percent above the national average and should include medical insurance, stock options, and a 401(k). 
  • He should attain a position on the board or a full partnership in the next five years. 
  • He should be fluent in at least two languages. If not, he should possess heraldry connecting him to a minor European principality. 
  • He needs to have a primary domicile in the city with a condo in the mountains. 
  • His vehicles need to be replaced every two years.

Is that really the type of guy you're looking for? Or that meets the mythical needs of what a man should be?

Don't get sucked into the trap of chasing the guy that will make your family happy, or will make your friends happy, or the one that Cosmo says is the guy every woman should be looking for this year. If this is what you want, you should stop looking for a soul mate and start a more formal interview process.

Paging Mr. Functional

Now, the world is a tricky place and we'd all like a bit of stability in our lives, if not a touch of luxury, but that has nothing to do with finding the man of your dreams. If you pick a guy for functional reasons over emotional ones, then life is going to be pretty dull. Mr. Functional need not Worry. Ms. Practical is waiting for him in sensible clothes somewhere outside an insurance agency in Iowa.

There really is someone for everyone, but Mr. Functional probably isn't for you -- and neither is Mr. Uninteresting-but-Stable, Mr. Still-Lives-with-His-Mother, or Mr. Not-Nice-but-Loaded. You have to find someone who is going to make you happy, without Worrying too much about what your mother and friends will say. They aren't the ones who are dating him, you are. You have to follow your heart and not a list of requirements.


The above is an excerpt from the book Will Marry for Food, Sex, and Laundry: How to Get Him -- and How to Keep Him by Simon Oaks. The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.

Copyright  ©2009 Simon Oaks, author of Will Marry for Food, Sex, and Laundry: How to Get Him -- and How to Keep Him